Missing the Train

So, I'm having one of those days. I'm entitled to it right? Aren't we all?

No, not one of those crazed "why is this adoption such a long, expensive and intrusive process" kind of funks. No, the more serious "life just isn't fair" kind of funk. Because, well, life really isn't fair, it's just life and sometimes, even the "strongest" of people feel the weight of the world and the sadness in their lives that they try to block out.

So what's got me in this funk of sadness? Well, the most joyful of all occasions, ..., pictures speak a thousand words:







Funny thing was, E mentioned last weekend about wondering if we'd get a shower at all... good question, I've wondered it too. The sad thing is, nearly everything we got for Sophia inthe only shower we had was for a newborn, there's little to nothing we could use for a 1 year old.

A good friend of my husband and his wife are having a baby. They are wonderful people, they'll make wonderful parents, they're the kind of people who should be parents. I was invited to the shower and if it weren't for the plane tickets to visit Gram in Florida the same weekend I don't know if I would have attended.

I've noticed, that a woman who's child has died, tends to be like a leper at a nudist colony... the nudists know the leper is cool and all, but the nudists think they might catch something... it's an odd sensation to see it in people's eyes, the discomfort and silence is horrible, I don't think some people realize they get that look. It's the first occasion like that since Sophia died. Not sure I would have been a happy sight and (sad) blubbering idiots just don't belong at a shower anyway.

Probably better I checked out the registry and sent a gift instead.

We're so truly happy for them, but being happy for someone doesn't stop you from feeling like the world is rushing by you on a train. A train you barely caught onto the outside of and were hanging from a lifetime ago, only to fall off... more than once... you finally realize you aren't actually supposed to be on that train and will never be. Though you'll be on a different train one day, you'll only ever look in on the original train from the outside. And that's ok.

So I'm taking this moment to say how wonderful I feel for the 2 of them and how sad I still am for E and I. Just because we are adopting doesn't mean we stop mourning the death of our first daughter, what kind of horrible parents would we be if after jsut a few months we'd "moved on"?

Congrats to M and P, may time, health and happiness always surround you and your family. You deserve this wonderful blessing and joy, soak it all in and know we are with you in our hearts.