Random Thoughts

The thing about spending a long long time on anything really important, is that you have a lot of time to really reflect. YOu also develop a deep deep sense of commitment to a goal.

Fertility was that way and now, so is Adoption.

We found on our long and tough road I affectionately call fertility hell that we had a lot of years to figure out what we wanted, how much we wanted it and what we would and would not subject ourselves to in order to obtain it... We found out finally, how to redefine the traditional family to fit our nontraditional path. So our fertility issues gave us years to grow and learn that family, has next to nothing to do with blood. Something I learned as a child and was reminded of over the last few years. Our neighborhood growing up was a huge family, none "related" and to this day thick as any blood I've seen. It's what you feel, what you think, how you're treated, what you want, who you want to be (personally and as a family) and most of all, how wide your view is of the word "family". You learn to recognize that for some, family is exclusive, isolating and a fishbowl, separate from all other fishbowls and you learn that you don't want a fishbowl, you want an ocean, open, boundryless, and welcoming.

I'm finding that our adoption journey, allows us the same sense of time, space, reflection and introspection as fertility did. But it allows it in an even greater sense. Adoption, when it's about a child that will look nothing like you or anyone in your family, allows you a long time to learn about what kind of person you are, what kind of family you and your husband are, and what your circle of friends and family are like. It also gives you a very different ability, should you choose to explore it, to see the world around you, for all it's wonder and all it's cruelty.

I've been reading some blogs of Korean adoptees. I've noticed more than a few posts on what it was like to be discriminated against and what it was like to watch other types of people be discriminated against... realizing all the while that they themselves may have been just a stonesthrow away from the receiving end of that discrimination. Reading their private thoughts can be painful, joyful, enlightening and incredibly amazing. It's really helped us reflect on what discrimination means to us as a family unit, what we could do better at, how we could grow as people and it's really opened our eyes to what we hear and see from others around us. Discrimination is part of everyone's lives, in one way or another, no one is perfect, but it's not a permanent structure, you can change your perspective any time you like. And so adoption has really allowed us to see things a bit different, to recognize that we may not agree with what others chose for their lives, but that doesn't mean we have to use it as a tool to isolate "them" from "us", however "them" may be. Sometimes discrimination is just as simple as black or white, straight or gay, blood or not blood, sometimes, it goes a lot deeper and more troubling. Mostly though, discrimination is about isolation, power and maybe it's a balance for insecurity.

Though I absolutely hate the wait and these long 5 years we've been on this journey to expand our family, I am grateful that we've learned to appreciate things that many don't take the time to think about. And I'm grateful to have this chance to think long and hard about types of discrimination and what kind of impact it has, even if it's not against anyone you know or love, there's always someone on the receiving end of it unfortunately.