Lunar Eclipse vs. Adoption Meltdown, Round 1

I know, I haven't blogged much this week and I have no good reason for the lull. In fact, I have several posts in draft from a few weeks ago and I have a few updates and ideas, what I don't have is motivation.

But I felt the need to post as we drove home from too long of a day visiting friends. Some friends you see and hear from all the time, some friends you see though you all wish you spent more time together, some friends you see on their time only and some friends you never see (and I don't mean that figuratively). The day was hard on both of us with a room full of people we don't know, and hosts we hadn't seen in 3 years... since we lost our first child and honestly, we haven't seen them since. But, in general, we're the kind of people that if someone invites us to a brithday party or event, we are there, no matter what, and so we went.

The hardest part of the day wasn't the fact that we spent 3 hours driving south, 4 hours driving north and 3 hours at the party, no, it was that we were the only people who didn't have kids and there were around 30 people total there and likely half of them kids. Normally this stuff doesn't bother us lately, we roll with it, but today it was awkward. Likely the situation of being childless in a room full of many people with children, only 2 of which we knew. It was good to see them, we invited them up for the weekend and all, but honestly, I'd much rather see them without the party scene.

The drive home was tough, we talked about it (being childless, the elephant in our lives that people still tiptoe around or pretend like a heartless a-hole doesn't exist) a few times, both of us sullen and thinking and trying to move past it. And then, I pointed into the sky:

Look! I think that's the moon!

Where?

That nearly invisible dark orange 'shadow' in the darkness.

oh yeah, must be really foggy out or smoggy.

No, there's a lunar eclipse tonight, wow.

We drive and watch from time to time and then, all of a sudden light starts to appear from above and the eclipse clears. It was calming, the darkness giving way to light. It mesmermized me, calmed me, helped me push that lump down my throat yet one more time. Something I'm getting far too good at these last few months. And I'm torn at whether covering up my very rare adoption meltdowns (due to the wait being likely 2 years now) is really a sign of maturity or a sign of numbness.

Quite frankly I don't want to know.

tonight, this is my very lame attempt at a 'thankful post'. I'm giving a very weak thanks to the absolutely crappy day spent mainly on the highways, as we enter our 6th year of trying to have a family.

The crappy day and that drive on the highways, well without it, we wouldn't have seen the gorgeous lunar eclipse and we might not have spent time today sharing some very deep thoughts and moments as we sort through our feelings of loneliness where our children are concerned, each and every one of them, little boy blue (we never named him, that's what I always call him, he would be 2 1/2 now) Sophia and Magpie.