Somewhere in the middle

Over the last few months this phrase has taken a strong prominence in my mind, covering a lot of ground over many situations.

I first heard it when talking with a woman I know in my current company. She's a much higher level than I am, has huge responsibilities compared to me and has been a strong sounding board for me, sort of an advisor since I came to the new company. She's been in my shoes, we have some of the same personality traits, both strengths and weaknesses, consequently we've struck up a bond of sorts. I'm very fortunate for it, but then I've always been lucky throughout my career to have made these strong contacts and mentoring relationships.

I called her many weeks back looking for some guidance, a way to make a difficult/toxic situation better. She listened, she gave some advice, some ideas on steps I could take to make a difference, if I chose to. She volunteered to be a guinea pig and coach me through things. Approaching the person I was having difficulty with would not be easy, it would involve great risk for me in my career if it backfired, and potentially lead to damaging a difficult relationship even more so.

But quite honestly I needed to do something, I needed to take the highroad (meaning putting my opinion and anger to the side) and look for a way to improve things, I sure as hell knew the other person wouldn't and ignoring it was going to make it worse for both of us.

At the end of the conversation she said:

"remember, no matter what the situation, no matter how angry you are about being treated this way, and you have a right to be angry, no one person is ever all right or all wrong, their version and your version of the truth is never 100% accurate. Truth is always found somewhere in the middle"

She put in 8 words, what I've been learning throughout adulthood. It's enabled difficult relationships to get better and good relationships to get to a point of amazement.

It's a difficult feat indeed, it's not easy, I've not mastered it by any means, but I do work hard at it.

First, it involves putting aside your version of the truth, there's really only room for someone else's 'truth' if you make room for it. And let's face it, the world does NOT revolve around any one person.

Secondly, you have to look for understanding. And man, understanding does NOT mean you agree, it just means you broaden your perspective, it doesn't mean you have to let go of your point though, it helps, but you don't have to.

When you reach the point of understanding someones drive, 'world', and perspective, then you can work towards finding the middle ground where both of you achieve some level of satisfaction and fulfillment. This is not compromise for compromises sake, no, not at all, that's more so just going through the motions. Nope, this is about getting to the heart of why a person thinks one way vs. another and how to help fulfill what matters most to both of you.

In the end, you realize you were just as wrong as they were and neither one of you had it right. You learn you have the capacity to understand another person in a way you were closed off to before. You learn a different way of accomplishing the same goal, that is no less worthy. You learn the power of understanding can build a bridge between two very opposing views.

And in the end, realizing no one is ever entirely wrong and that truth lies somewhere in the middle gives you the power to build relationships with a strength that overcomes adversity, I speak from experience here. I remember when our daughter died, I remember the world as we knew it being shattered to ashes. But I also remember the way we grieved the first week was identical, after that we took different paths to meet our needs. This was very difficult to handle, but we learned that we needed to grieve different and we realized it doesn't mean one cares less or one more, it means we grieve different and in the end, we grieved in a way that allowed each of us separately and both of us together to stay unified. At the time it didn't always feel that way, but looking back a few months later I realized it was the best possible outcome of a truly tragic time for us. I know now, through that and so many more experiences in the last 5-10 years, that different doesn't mean better, nor does it mean worse.

There's a lot to be said for finding "somewhere in the middle". Sometimes, finding the sandbar in the ocean allows you to walk to an island you couldn't have otherwise reached... look for the sandbar.

(to my friend, and you know who you are, thanks for your inspiration tonight, really helped me create a post I've been meaning to do for a long time)