Is there a translator in the house?

Anyone, Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?

I decide after a while (7-8 years) of finely tuning my couch potato ass that perhaps it's time to exercise. In hindsight I'm now thinking why ruin a good thing, but again, that's hindsight.

So I buy a hiking book this morning, well, I buy two. One for humans and one for the best hikes for dogs in my area. I also buy a water bottle with a neat caribeener thing that looks cool and the sparkly blue finish is awesome. I head home, skim the book and find a place I'd wanted to check out when I moved here.

Soapstone Mountain.

The guidebook said "it's a CD trail, not as hard as a C, slightly harder than a D" - D is the lowest level on the scale, basically old ladies in wheelchairs can do it. So I think, cool, that's for me. So I pack up the dog, my ice water in the cool blue bottle. I change into better than my normal grunge wear for the weekend, but not so nice I'm on a date, cause you know, I'm so NOT on a date. But I want to look decent too you know. I throw on my Teva's, normally I'd opt for my Merrills and socks, but I just got an awesome pedicure and you know I might want someone to notice my toes. Plus, I'm on a CD trail, how hard can it be? Did I mention my pedicure, or that it has flowers painted on it?

I follow the directions in the guidebook to get there... I was scratching my head when I read them cause I've only gone by it from the other side of the forest. Now I know why I was scratching my head. The guidebook took me down an abandoned dirt road that is only open in the summers, located somewhere near where the murderers bury the bodies of those who don't make it out at night.

I opt not to park "at the intersection of 2 dirt roads by the pull off under the big boulders". WTF.

I drive to the public, sane people entrance. I get out, get the dog out, and grab a trail map. I only see one path so I take it. It's marked "B" for blue trail, sort of like my blue bottle and beener...

it gets better.

The trail map says "0.25 miles". EASY PEASY, pfttt, no problem. Ginger (that's the dog) MUSH!

I should have looked for a trail map that was 3-D, the trail was like, VERTICAL. I am not kidding. It was like WHITE MOUNTAIN hardest trail VERTICAL (yes, I did that before I went on to perfecting my couch potato body). But it's only 0.25 miles. I can do this. About 3 rest stops up this f-ing hill while the dog and I are panting I realize, no water bottle. Shit on a cracker, this sucks.

about 37 more rest stops later I reach the lookout tower. My dogs are barking (that's my feet hurt like crazy for those who don't know the phrase) but damn the pedicure looks nice in my Teva's. The Lookout Tower was why I went, you can see like Venezuala and the North Pole from there and Connecticut too. Well, anyone WITHOUT a dog could. Cause, well, the 3 flights of stairs to get up... have nasty mean on the paws open metal grating. I admit it, while I did quickly tossed out the idea carrying her, I did think of setting her free and seeing if she could find her way to the car. Damn. So I prepare to head back down the mountain.

So I opt for the trail marked "WD" on the way down.

Apparently WD stands for, What the F were you thinking of going up the B trail you Dumbass. Or What a Dumbass for short.

WD was a nearly 1 mile trail, okay PAVED ROAD, that meanders up the hillside, covering the same incline as the 0.25 mile trail. I passed someone pushing their child in a stroller up the hill on the way down, apparently old ladies in wheelchairs could access the mountain top.

I now know that WD is Connectituckian for take the easy trail dumbass.

Can I just say though, my pedicure was looking awesome in my Teva's, AND there was this awesome, hot dude who pulled into the parking lot and did some stretching prior to going on a run. Darn, he just missed my hot looking pedicure.

(and for a brief interlude, Snark returns to my blog)