They (whoever 'they' are) say "what a difference a day makes" and I can attest to that. Sometimes it's a 180 degree turn for the better and sometimes, well, uhm, not so much.
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As I was coming up on the anniversary of my daughters death and birth she was constantly on my mind. She has become so much a part of the fabric of me that I'm now free to simply talk about her with those who know and to share her reality with those that want to know.
But, even 4 years after, I am still finding people who don't know, friends of mine, former colleagues, people that aren't just an 'in your life then gone' type of person. I am realizing that so many people really don't know, and there's not one part of me that blames anyone for that at all. I am also realizing that when I come upon someone who doesn't know, I usually find out too late:
ME: I was thinking the other day about how to honor Sophia, you know, a memorial of sorts.
FRIEND: (clearly awkward silence) Who is Sophia?
ME: (oh shit.) (clearly more awkward silence) I'm so sorry, I thought you knew. (DAMMIT why am I ALWAYS apologizing for everything?) Sophia is/was (what is the right term?) my daughter.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: (sum up all the years of heartache and loss and struggles in a few sentences, trying hard not to bring them to sobs/tears... it's happened a few times this summer)
FRIEND: (stunned, introspective) I'm so sorry, that must have been horrible.
This scene has occurred 3 times in the last few weeks. And I'm starting to wonder how many people who I'm more than just acquaintances with don't know about Sophia. I think it must be quite shocking, stunning, and for some, overwhelming (clearly) to hear.
The good news?That I've realized how far I've come.
I still miss her, I miss what I didn't and can't have. I miss what I couldn't give to her ( the first of course being life itself ). I think about her daily, I have for all 4 years. And of course at the very least I get misty eyed. BUT, I'm doing okay. Really. And doing okay is actually fabulous.
So on this anniversary of her death and birth, nostalgia overcomes me again, but I'm okay.
(And yes, I am in the midst of finally deciding what to do to memorialize her permanently. Things were so crazy, so confusing, all happened so fast that we didn't know what to do. And in an absence of any guidance, we did nothing. We did not cremate or bury Sophia, we decided to donate her to science... more to come on the ideas I have in another post)
Just like her footprints above are cast in plaster and forever solidified, so too is she with me inside, all the time. And to me, she is one of the most important people, and events, in my life. She always will be.
I miss her and the hope she brought me.
4 comments:
Thinking of you! I know you will come up with the perfect way to honor her. I am so sorry for you both to not have had the chance to grow together through both the pains and joys that life brings.
Thank you for introducing Sophia's tiny footbrints to us, as she is now imprinted in my mind in a new way.
No easy path here...
Just thinking of you.
I've been thinking of you and this anniversary a ton lately, knowing that it was coming and I was so hoping that you are ok. I'm glad to read that you are. She will always be a part of you and I'm sure that one day you will find hte perfect way to memorialize her.
Biggest hugs to you today.
Thinking of you a lot lately. I have been keeping my eyes open on the other things. Pretty stagnant around here. I like how you are going to rescue dogs.
Sophia day is always special. :)
Hang in there dear friend!!!
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