My closest friends know that I can't bear to create one more nursery after the first 2 I created no longer exist, or go gagga over baby clothes, or do all the things people think are normal. They know I may never unpack the only 2 boxes of baby items I have left after giving car load after car load away. They've heard me say I just can't paint, or shop or prepare, there's been too much loss.
They've heard me say "I can see leaving for China and having not painted/decorated/prepared a nursery, or bought diapers or clothes". That statement is closely followed by "and maybe fairies will come and decorate it while I'm gone and take care of all of that", said with sarcasm. I think they understand my priorities are however where they matter.
But on Saturday I stepped into a baby store, first time in 2 years. I did not melt.
It's progress. Well, sort of.
It was technically an Old Navy store, but I did go into the toddler section and buy an outfit for a gift. I got it home and when I looked at it I was sad, for all the experiences I know I just can't find my way to this time around, sadness for feeling just a bit cheated out of the joy of anticipation. I have the courage to go after my dream, but I do have my limits and this is sadly one of them.
I may never get a nursery ready, or shop for all the gear I need, or find a daycare in time, but I'll take progress wherever it occurs.
4 comments:
Thinking of you...
Honestly, you already have all the most important things ready for your baby. A decorated nursery or room - nice and all - is really not a necessity. What it came down to is that we slept in a bed in her room most of the time anyway (so why not have him/her in your room - which is all ready?!). When your baby is home, that is when the fun really starts and making a place for them is not at all sad anymore and so much more meaningful (when you know what they like most). . . and you can buy diapers and most clothes in China for that matter.
Totally understandable but hopefully once you get your referral you will again have hope and want to get ready to bring Magpie home. And I'll be there to help if you want.
Your kid won't die if you dont have everything ready for her when she comes home. Do what you need to do and take your own pace.
A friend of mine, who adopted domestically, suggested that I have my friends put together the nursery while I'm in China. The longer this wait extends the more I am considering the idea.
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