Coming of age as a Tweener

There are lots of times where I feel stuck. Stuck between alternate realities I guess you could say.

Huh?

Single to Married to Single

Childless to almost a parent to childless to a parent to be

I know without a doubt the things I want for myself in life, well, okay, the big things I want in life. (you know, stuff other than could someone please just finish the painting on the first floor for me that I started a month ago, or rip out the tub, or clean my toilets) It's just that sometimes I feel like it's a constant tradeoff to find balance in life and there are times where it all catches up with me.

Take for instance dating.

Can't stand it. Love it. Hate the whole putting yourself out there, getting to know people that may be transient, finding your way through the awkwardness of early on, never quite sure what to say, what not to say, worrying, thinking, overthinking. Really dislike the idea of not being in like with someone who's in like with me, or vice versa. Dating can be a real letdown, if you're in it for something beyond the moment. But then there's the love it, the high from new connections, the fun of discovery, the smile across a room, the first time you hold hands and kiss, and the hope for what the next day will bring.

Can't stand it. Love it. Knowing right now I just don't have the ability to do it, and that it leads to loneliess at times is a bit tough.

There's all too often as I get older the feeling I can't shake of being a tweener.

For instance, not wanting the hassle of dating but wanting someone to grow old with. Not wanting to deal with the fear the adoption will totally fall through, but wanting to share my life with a child. (I feel like the little kid playing Mother May I, about to take a stutter step forward in anticipation of thinking someone will say take a step forward, but still keeping one foot on the previous location. This is what the nursery is all about. Want to. Can't)

I'm a tweener. I am between very different roles in life and lots of transition. Sometimes it's too much, other times I see the clarity of where I'm going and it's just right. I am at times between turmoil and peace and some days it's more of a struggle than others.

I hope one day I am at peace, at home, the vast majority of time, with wherever I fall on the spectrum of life. I envy those who are totally there already and I hope life continues to be full of more peaceful confident days with each passing moment in time. I find myself looking out at the lake a lot lately, and willing myself to be at peace during the lonely days, during the scared shitless it's all going to fall through and I won't be able to complete the adoption days. I have to will myself on some days to take a depth breath and remind myself I bought this house to find some peace, and dammit I'm going to have peace, and to quit the f'ing wallowing!

I am convinced it's not where you are in life that determines your peace, it's how well and fully you're able to embrace and appreciate that space in time for all it is.

Deep breath, sigh and a nodding of my head. I'll get there.