9 months past

Ever wonder at times how much you change, how much the world around you changes in a given time period? I know I often reflect on these things.

For instance, in the last 9 months, we've been very happily living in Maryland, hoping for a transfer south, now we're in Connecticut. I've changed from managing 1 department to managing 3. E went from knowing, very well, all of the customers in his field service job to knowing none. We went from planning weekends on the bay, in our nations capitol, at Longwood Gardens... to planning how to pinch every penny possible to get the light fixtures, the appliances... etc. Along the way, we went from preparing a nursery for Sophia, to packing it all up one last time this month. I find that in life, the world around you changes much faster than your heart, your soul, your character and at times it is hard to keep up.

9 months is a long time and yet a very short time depending on what you've experienced. So much can change in 9 months, and yet so little all at the same time. A peice of our lives and hearts, are forever imbedded in the fabric of life as it stood still 9 months ago, we left them with our daughter.

9 months ago today we experienced what in almost every family and in every couple is the beginning of a dream come true. For E and I, the delivery of our daughter Sophia should have been our dream and journey come true, but her death was the beginning of a long dark winter and I don't mean that literally.

Not one day goes by that Sophia does not enter our thoughts. And not a week goes by that she doesn't cross into our conversations with bitter sweet sorrow. This week E met a colleagues daughter, her name, Sophia. When he mentioned it today I could hear the masked sorrow in his voice that few in our lives hear or recognize from us. But I know it, it's the quiet voice of a whisper in a church, easily missed.

The poem that follows was ironically one that I wrote on a card for a friend of mine who lost someone they loved many years ago, I hoped they brought comfort. How fitting is it that my friend Sarah offered this poem when I was struggling to honor Sophia in words. Thanks Sarah, life is a never ending circle, the phrase "what comes around goes around" is not just about seeing some 'get what they deserve', with the right perspective, rather, it can be about the gift of friendship, of love, of life between those who are close. For me, this poem symbolizes that circle, you are part of our circle Sarah.

You Learn

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

You learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.

You begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,

You begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

You learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth...
And you learn and learn...

With every good-bye you learn.

- Jorge Luis Borges
Translation by Veronica A. Shoffstall

Sophia, we will always love you, and I think I've finally answered the question floating in my head "I wonder how long until more than a day passes when I don't think of you", the answer is "most likely never". Sophia is a not just our daughter, she is also one of the many symbols of the bond E and I have always shared, one so strong, pure and true. Thanks for reminding us of that from time to time by entering our thoughts. In the end, we live with the unbearable reality that we couldn't give you life, but some how, after the deepest sorrow passed, you gave us hope.