I think often about the philosophical, logical and heartwrenching debate about who should and should NOT be allowed to adopt, in what order, etc, from this country or others. i posted the DRAFT rumored rules earlier today, no official word yet.
So that post brings to mind questions, such as Who is really qualified to raise a child, and more so, who isn’t?
It reminds me of the time we went through our homestudy. Both E and I had a very hard time coming to grips with the fact that we were literally being inspected for parenthood capability, that is such sheer and utter bullshit when you look around, no need to look far, to find people who should have been inspected... It outraged us to think there are literally babies tossed every day into garbage cans or killed by their parents, and there we were, applying to be, questioned to be, certified to be, suitable parents.
The health department, the fire department, our doctors, a social worker, blood tests, chimney inspector, local police department, heck, even the Vets… they all had a say in whether or not we were acceptable. Who signed off for you? Who signed off for your parents? Good god, how would civilization continued if everyone had to do that? Forget the Ice Age and Global Warming, the baby police epidemic would have eliminated society.
How many families in Child Protective Services have that kind of oversight, even after they get into trouble? I mean Christ, we had to have people give references that we were suitable, and they had to be interviewed too… can you imagine if you had to give a reference to have a child by birth?
So what should qualify or disqualify you for a child, by birth or otherwise?
What about your age? …teenagers, single or not? The 20-30 crowd… or the 40-50 crowd?…
What about the color of your skin?
What about your religion?
What about your income? Does being above the average US income make you an acceptable parents? If not, Mother Theresa would get the old reject sticker.
What about your savings? What if you make $200K/year but have no savings? Does this make you a better parent than if you make $20K/year and have 200K in savings?
What about your high school graduation?Are high school drop outs unsuitable for parenthood? No degree no kid? This rules out Richard Bronson (aka owner of Virgin Airways among other things), Michael J Fox, George Gershwin, Peter Jennings, Frank Sinatra, the Wright Brothers, Ansel Adams and Rosa Parks... think you'd make a better parent than some of them? perhaps? but do you think they should be excluded?
What about a college degree? ahh, now you see the point, how many people in the US would not be allowed to parent a child, birth or otherwise, if a college degree were required. What is it about a degree, HS or college, that makes one suitable? And just what college degrees would be ok? Is Art history preferential over engineering?
What about your disabilities, mental, physical or both? Missing an arm? A leg? Hard of hearing? Blind without contacts or glasses? Dislexia? Vertabre fused in 2 spots? What about the disabilities you can’t see?
What about your IQ? You could be brilliant but if you don’t have a high school degree you’d be out. You could be not so brilliant, but be acceptable cause you have a HS degree... at what level does your IQ boot you out?
What’s a disability? I mean really, what IS a disability?
What about your gender? Can women be good parents to both girls and boys? What about men?
What about your hair or eye color? This isn’t so upsurd a question when you really think about society.
What about your orientation? Does being straight make you a good parent?
What about the number of children you already have? If you have 2 are you no longer allowed to have any more or adopt any more? 3? 4? 5? 6? If you have more than 3 already, should you be in line in front of those that have none?
What about fertility? if you're infertile, is that God's will eliminating you? If you’re fertile, do you get bumped out of line? How do you define fertility? How long would you have to be infertile… certain number of miscarriages? Hey, you’ve had 3 babies die, you, to the front of the line! Certain number of years ‘trying’? How many doctor’s have to inspect you and sign off? All I know is that is one place I DO NOT want the government inspecting, thank you very much.
What about your marital status? Can only married heterosexuals be acceptable parents?
What about divorce? What about 2 divorces? What about 5?
What if you’ve suffered depression, at any point in your entire life… does that make you an unfit parent?
What if you smoke cigarettes? 1 a day, 10 a day, 3 packs a day? What does this say or not say about your inability to parent?
What if you listen to alternative music? or country music? Or rap?
What about your health status? What about hip replacement? Or cancer from years ago? Or preventive surgery –like your ovaries removed to prevent ovarian cancer? What about an anxiety attack?
What about your criminal record… does a speeding ticket disqualify you… a minor childhood misdemeanor for shoplifting… or, a car accident where you were cited…or you had a joint on you as an 18 year old… We’re not talking cases of child molestation or even cases of murder… where does the criminal record fine line get drawn?
What does make a person suitable to be a parent? Who gets to decide that? What makes one attribute more acceptable than another?
In the case of ‘natural’ childbirth, everyone who’s physically capable can, at free will, have as many kids as they choose, regardless of the items above. This rubs some of us completely the wrong way. I mean any crack whore can have a child, but someone who chooses to adopt, well, that’s another story, and I’d like to think at least crack whores are definitely ruled out but if you look above, a little extracurricular activity (even whores have an income, alright, they might not have savings though, I'll give you that) doesn’t rule you out. How many people do you know, or hear of, in your life who are completely unsuitable parents. Where was the government when they were knocked up? Good God, we pay taxes you know, you'd think there would be some oversight for that one for our hard earned money!!! (tongue in cheek folks, don't get your dander up)
In the case of international adoption, the government of the country in question gets to decide. Period.
Everyone who wants to adopt a child from that country just has to get in line, dots their I’s cross their T’s, subject themselves to the humiliation of being certified acceptable parental material while all around them crack whores, and other "normal" but unseemly people have children. We get in line and we accept the rules. We accept the judgement placed over our heads. We accept that our long drawn out process to come to the decision to adopt is not judgement enough of suitability. We accept that many local, state, federal and international governments second guessed our ability to make that decision in a wise and suitable manner, as each one of them collects a fee for the good of the child.
And it sucks and it’s degrading at times, at it’s scary, for at any moment, you too could be disqualified. This is the life after all of the adoptive parent. You are raked under and over the coals, repeatedly, so as to determine your acceptability to adopt. And only after you’ve been raked over and under them are you judged suitable to walk on them to prove your worthiness.
If only it weren’t that way, if only there was some equity, some fairness in the world…
If only every time we came home from the hospital empty handed I didn’t have to read in the paper or hear on the news, THAT DAY, and I’m not exaggerating, I remember the stories vividly, about the death of twin boys, 2 months old beaten by their dad, the mom who placed her newborn in the trash can…
Where was the sign off on their suitability? Where was our local and federal government then? That’s right, they were inspecting the urine in our test cup for suitability to adopt.
No one ever claimed life was fair and that good things really do happen to good people. Sometimes, good people get the shaft… repeatedly and then get certified as ‘ok’ by your local government inspector. Just the other day I was looking for my inspection sticker “certified and approved by inspector #2190” but I can’t find it, I suppose this now bumps us out of line.
The commitment to adopt is just that, it’s a commitment, for better or worse, in richer, in poorer, till your I-171 expires and you do it all again... adoption is not an easy choice, it’s a commitment to a way of life, it is in essence a life altering decision, well in advance of the life altering event of parenthood.
And I circle back to the original question, what achievements or merits or physical traits make someone suitable to have a child… and why is this different for adoption? Who should get preference?
5 comments:
Those are the exact questions we asked and discussed when we were in the thick of the home study. And your last question is one that I ask myself quite frequently. Thank you for posting so that I know I am not the only one asking these questions.
Keep smilin!
F**king Amazing Post.
Great post!
Not only do parents who adopt have to "pass" a number of test, we don't get much of a break on the cost! So not only can someone give birth and be a parent. Insurance etc foots the bill!!
maryellen
Excellent post. M & I both work in the public schools, and have taught in a lot of different places. We have seen a HUGE number of parents who continually neglect or ignore their children, who seem completely bothered by their very existence. We saw mothers who were on their fourth or fifth child, but didn't truly take care of any of them. And we always brought up that same point--look at everything we have to go through to become parents, yet it is so easy for them.
Lisa, I am so with you on this. John and I both think the same way you do. It is complete and utter BS! Thanks for venting for all of us. :)
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