Questions

From time to time we're asked a few routine questions, from when will you go to China? How is the adoption going? to the one I've had an easy time answering until this month "do you ever stop and wonder if she's born yet?".

The quick answer was always easy "no, I don't think she has been born". In the past I based that answer on the long long wait ahead, that at any point in time always seemed to be 'more than a year' to go, we said that every month, and even now it may still be true. So it was easy to think Magpie had not yet been born.

But now it's different. In my head when I think of this question a few things happen. First, it's likely we have about a year left for a referral, so it's very possible she's been born, sure, some babies are 6 months at referral, others 16 months at referral, but most 10-12 months. So yes, I've started to think she could be born. The other thing that is most striking is the transformation of the image in my head. I could always picture us with a child, playing, traveling, just being a family.

But a few weeks ago, that image in my head became that of a Chinese girl, with almond shaped eyes, and dark, straight, thick hair. Her eyes deep and beckoning, drawing you into her heart and soul. Things have certainly changed, for until now I didn't really have a 'clear' image of a child, in fact, there never was a face associated with all my thoughts.

I wonder often about Magpie, I get anxious when I think of the day we first meet her, the day we start our own family. This thought, it fills me with emotion every time, it's something I have a hard time expressing in any way but on paper. I get choked up, the lump forms in my throat, sometimes my eyes even well up. I can picture her being handed to us, the joy, the tears, the emotion. I know that my thoughts of this moment will not compare to how overwhelming it will be, but it is a deep deep thought, even now.

I think of the early days, how she'll bond to us, how we'll do thousands of miles from all we know, on the day our daughter joins our family. Can you imagine what this moment will be for your families as your child is received? Can people around us even imagine what that roller coaster of 2 weeks will be like? It is hard to imagine, that's for sure. It will one day be our reality and I have trouble envisioning what that time in China will be like.

But for now, I take incredible solice in the image in my head of Magpie, her eyes, her deep soul, her smile... Somehow I think that she may now be born and that is a thought that fills me with joy and incredible sorrow all at once. She'd have lost one family and not yet joined ours, she is in between her past and her future and that I think is quite sad and overpowering. I wish her warmth, love, happiness, security... I wish her a lack of hunger and to be surrounded by people who truly care about her. I hope she is transitioned from an orphanage to a foster/nanny. I hope so much for her, long before we ever meet her.

You're in our thoughts Magpie and the vision of you is in my mind so often. You seem far away and oh so close at times...