The 5 stages

I saw reference to this, perhaps on Connie's blog though I can't recall. These thoughts just continued to echo in my head and in order to clear out space for work on Monday I need to get it down on paper so to speak.

There are 5 stages of dealing with grief and tragedy. Though I sure as hell won't put "the wait" in the same category as losing Sophia which was a horrible tragedy, the wait takes all of us through the same stages.

Denial
The ignorance is bliss stage, Calvin and Hobbes tearing ass through the woods on a cart/sled stage, ignoring the cliff ahead. Life continues on and we deal in terms of shear denial, in all its glory. This is when life is full of ladybugs, happiness, birds chirping, the start of online swaps galore. You sign up for everything, you wonder if you'll be able to get all your swaps done before your child comes home. This is when you think there's no way you can have a quilt made in this short a time. (HA you foolish newbie)

This is when you think Ladybugs actually have something magical to do with adoption.

For us, Denial lasted until last fall, we moved into our house and well, there was no more hiding out in the not-so-holiday-inn.

Anger
After the warm luring happiness of Denial, reality comes flying headfirst at most of us, well, other than a few totally out of it waiting parents who think their LID of May 2006 means a referral this summer (WTF). It came and smacked all of us right across the melon. BAM!!! Like some giant hand from the sky. This can lead to bitterness, being on edge, resenting the hell out of moments in life and all it wasn't cracked up to be at times. Anger in the adoption community was placed on everyone, every Agency, the CCAA, the USCIS, the mailman, the dumb ass at work asking why your child isn't home yet, the relative who couldn't give two shits about Magpie's adoption, the schmuck on your Yahoo group who took that moment to respond to your anger with "have faith the lord has a plan"... hmmm, yeah, I've seen some pretty darn nasty fights ensue on the Yahoo boards when that happens. Heck, it's even led to a few rogue (thank goodness, wink wink) groups out there.

About this time, anyone in a 'swap' online realized that they may be swapping gifts for another 12 months at least. I am lucky with my Secret Pal, but could you imagine if you weren't, if perhaps you weren't religious and they sent you 'blessings' every month or vice verse? Perhaps every gift was a ladybug and you hate bugs? Holy crap would that send you into Anger knowing you had another 12 MONTHS (minimum).

This is when you see a ladybug and you realize there's likely an infestation in the house and crap that means there's likely other bugs too.

Bargaining
I skipped this stage, though I think. What's the point of attempting to bargain when the CCAA feels if you couldn't be patient maybe you weren't meant to parent their kids... although for the life of me I can't find my way to understanding the idea behind the hundreds of thousands of kids who languish in the orphanages never to be adopted due to a quota. Wait, I've just reverted back to Anger. Damn.

Depression
This hits below the belt in a major way. Though with a Chinese adoption, depression is not allowed. We are ALL OBLIGATED TO SKIP THIS STEP. No depression for you! So we all wallow in self pity, alone, for fear of speaking a word to another soul, for fear of being outed by some heartless bastard, all because we longed so bad for a child, ached so terribly to be a family.

Sometimes depression leads people to a second adoption, an interim adoption. I wish them much happiness and love, I honor their courage, their willingness to bring two cultures into their lives and I congratulate them on their new families.

Acceptance
This is what happens when you pour over your data, someone else's data or you just finally realize that at the rate referrals are coming, your child and your family are going to be waiting a long long damn time. You hope that your child is willing to drive you to the Social Security office to pick up your check because you will have lost your driving privileges by then.

You slowly turn yourself to making the best of it, to taking time to smell the roses of life now that your head isn't stuck in a massive pile of shit known as the wait. You're still in the wait, but your head is in the flowers.

For us, this means taking time to see friends, family, to travel, to experience our new digs. It takes some of the pressure off changing jobs, trying to save up for unpaid leave. It allows us to see that when we go to China we will be able to fully enjoy it, knowing that financially, emotionally we are better prepared than we ever could have been.

This is when you see a ladybug for what it is, a sign that spring has come and it's time to get your ass in the yard and start planting. Poison Ivy be damned. People have asked me the last few months why I seem to deal so well with the wait... I think it's because I've moved through the stages and have reached acceptance.

Sure, I wish with all my heart Magpie were here, I wish we could speed things up, I'd give just about anything to change the wait, but in the end, being healthy while in the wait is what matters most.

***by the way, an alternate to the 5 stages of grief by Kubler-Ross is the TEAR model:

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

Folks, it's time to reinvest in a new reality.