Technicalities of life

You know the deal. Adopt a child and well, get a physical... or two... or three.

We recently had our physicals for our updated homestudy and two notable things happened. A coworker knew we were getting the physicals mentioned (I'm sure she meant well) "well it's important to know you're in good health before you adopt so there's nothing wrong with you". (oh, you mean besides my piss poor excuse for innards you mean?)

Oh boy. hmmm. Yeah, I admit it, I did respond.

(me)"I'm sure for people who've never adopted that may make sense. But if you're adopting, having a physical, along with all the other things you have to do, hurdles to jump through, inquisitions to endure, inspections to pass, morales and values to meet, well, it's an insult. Most of the people adopting don't come there without having gone through tough times, so certifying I don't have hepatitus, HIV or that I'm not pregnant is an insult".

"hmmm I see". Followed by silence.

Second notable moment, and this one I really struggle with, should it have bothered me, should it not have? Should it have bothered me to the depths it did?

We got our physical back from the doctor with 2 errors on it. The date of the physical? 7/16/69. Well, he did manage to get the date right, 1 out of 3, he's ready for the All Stars.

The second error I need to 'set the stage'. We had to hand in a detailed list of ailments, surgeries, allergies, medicines, etc., and of course, a list of pregnancies and reasons for lack of children (my favorite part of the physical). So I wrote "1 miscarriage at 16 weeks, 1 stillbirth at 31 weeks".

The physical when the doctor handed it back said:

"2 miscarriages".

So since the paperwork had to be redone due to the date, I asked that the pregnancy statement be corrected. I was actually fuming about it, beyond fuming maybe. I don't mean "beyond fuming" to indicate how mad I was, more so the phrase indicates how torn/upset/confused/disappointed/outraged/saddened/hurt I was. We have family members who don't care to discuss the child that never was (their view), who don't understand that there is a world of difference between a D&C at 16 weeks and well, full outright giving birth at 31 weeks. 31 weeks is well past "viable" (the point at which doctors consider the first chance of life outside the womb, as was explained to me by the doctor who said if only I was delivered early...).

I labored, I delivered, I endured a lot of painful examinations during labor, worse than the initial labor (pre epidural) itself. Eric threw his back out and endured his own pain. We did it alone, we did it in sheer and utter silence, too shell shocked to do much of anything but count the minutes till the feeling returned from my legs from the epidural and we could escape to our dark bedroom at home. Isn't it enough that we lost her? So often since that date we've lost bit by bit, peice by peice what little we ever had of her. Family members wiping the slate clean of memory, coworkers at the new place who want no part in understanding, memories fading... it's not all bad, there are people out there who still care and we hold them close in our hearts.

But the doctor? I mean why did he do that? Why? It's just one more cog on the wheel of unravelling the validation of Sophia. For a doctor, who is also an adoptive dad from China (times 2), to skip the reality of birth really upset me. giving birth to her needs to be recognized, needs to be respected, and this paperwork is no different.

The new version, well, it's been revised and corrected. But why, why is the lump in my throat there, why am I so bothered by it? Is it leftover from others who refuse to acknowledge her, a transference from the pain they caused E and I? Is it purely the physical representing our life? Is it something else? Why is it that some people (though likely not the doctor's intentions) feel the need to oversimplify to the point of erasure, the pain in our lives?

I haven't figured it out and somehow I'm thinking I never will, it was a few weeks back and I've moved beyond it but it did bug me and mystify me.