The day it all changed

I've had a hard time letting myself enjoy the process of adoption, especially as the date of referral gets closer. It won't even be close to a given  until I finalize the adoption in China. Up until that point, well, I know and understand that everything can change, I was grandfatherd in like quite a few I've come to learn about in the same boat.

And because of that, I'm not really able to enjoy the wait. The closest I've gotten to preparing for Magpie is to continue to clean out the spare bedroom that will become hers. But there seems to be a never ending supply of things to move out of there and find space for. Each week I do some, but there's so much and my house is quite small, has practically no basement (sloped floor built into hillside, the house is 100 years old) and very little storage anywhere. Beyond that, her crib is still a full size bed in the other guest room and none of the boxes are even in her room, let alone unpacked.

(by the way, where the hell does all this stuff come from that keeps appearing?)

I know I have artwork (couldn't let go of it),  a Mr. Potato Head (with parts up the whazoo) and some blankets and books. Beyond that? Who knows what's in the boxes. All I know is that the boxes are labeled "Magpie".

I continue to be unsure about preparing and to be honest I'm really at peace with that. I'm not looking for sympathy. I know I'm missing out, I know I'm guarded but I'm okay with it being this way. Writing about it is a release.

But.

One day things sort of changed.

My friend Ralf and I were in Old Navy as he'd never seen one (he lives in Spain now and when he was in the states WV was not exactly a hip place). I worked my way through the store and entered... (cue the music) the Toddler Zone. It was sort of strange, first time in one in literally years.

I did not explode. I did not melt. I did not cry. I did not implode either.

It was sort of like it was someone else shopping. As I picked out an outfit for a friend's daughter I was 'okay'. But when I got home I learned this was the day it all changed. When I looked at the outfit in the bag at home I couldn't part with it.

It was already Magpie's.

It likely will not come out of the bag before the end of the year, but that's okay. I'll just put it in the pile of boxes and stuff to unpack someday down the road.

It's taken me over a year to take this step. At this rate I should be able to park near a Babies R Us in a few months.