Couldn't resist

We all know, okay, those who know me best that is, I'm a sucker for just laying it out there. Saying what others won't but THINK. C'est la vie.

It's my calling.

So I had an interesting phone conversation that I wasn't going to put on the blog, but I think I need to put part of it here. Because the bottom line is important and I want Magpie to know it.

Scene:
(phone call with a close male friend)

blah blah blah, we chit chat, blah blah blah, talk a lot about what's going on in his life and mine and how complicated things are for each of us on our own and that I'm just not prepared to get involved right now. (Yaaaay Lisa, finally not giving in to loneliness)

Blah blah blah, we chit chat some more about 'life options'. You know, all the ways you can bring children into your life. And then it comes.

Wait for it.

"Have you considered trying to get pregnant and have a child that way?" And then there was some interesting conversation about how he'd be willing to help. (in a nice, supportive, kind sort of way)

Yes, I did just say he offered that. Shocked?

For me, of course, the thought of being pregnant is terrifying. I left a part of my heart and soul in that delivery room when Sophia died. Even that part of the conversation caused my voice to crack. But then I formulated my answers, and they go like this:

a) I can't go through the chance of leaving another part of my heart and soul in a delivery room. I don't think I would survive.
b)I'm 40, why take the increased risk with 'older' (more mature I like to think) eggs?
c) If I'm going to choose to be a parent, I don't want to start out that way.

MOST importantly.

(I knew this before today but didn't realize how strongly I felt)

d) I've made my choice. I choose China.

I choose Magpie, even if there are other options on the table. She is my first choice for where I am in life and I can't imagine it any other way.