Magpie has been on my mind a great deal lately and a conversation with a group online struck a particular chord I've been struggling with internally lately.
I wasn't sure I'd even write about this, but here goes.
I don't think I'll ever entirely feel like I'm on the inside looking out. I mean with regard to being a parent. I don't mean I won't be a parent as I'm hoping to God it all works out, but I mean part of me will likely always have the perspective of being on the outside looking in.
Some of it is because of all I've faced to get to even today, some is because I know I'll never stop missing Sophia and a lot of it is my pessimistic attitude. But there's part of me that feels like the people around me, some of them not all, will never look at me as a real parent, with Sophia nor Magpie. This burns me up inside and fills me with bitterness to the very core. The impact of the lack of acknowledgement is something I've not been able to shake and I am not sure I will.
Perhaps I'll be able to bury it sometimes, perhaps the bitterness will lessen over time, perhaps there will always be some way going forward that I feel that sense of honor from others. And the online group today touched just a bit on the sadness that can be a single parent on Mother's Day. Exactly who does make sure mom gets acknowledged (or dad on Father's day if it's a single dad) on Mother's Day? I try not to think of it going forward, and I have no recollection going backwards when I was just a child and being raised by a single mom.
On the rare moments I do allow myself to think about it, sadness surrounds me. I instantly remember all the years since my first daughter Sophia died and how I can count on one hand and an extra finger or two, the number of times anyone acknowledged that yes I did indeed go through labor, delivery and give birth. It jsut didn't work out the way anyone planned. But does not having things go as planned mean you don't acknowledge any of it? Do you penalize the people around you with silence for getting part of the way there but missing the brass ring?
Hell even teachers give partial credit or grade on the curve.
I wish, wish, wish, I didn't still, at 40, feel this overwhelming urge to be validated, to feel important to others. But sadly I still do.
I can only hope that someday I measure my worth for what I personally believe and also by the handpainted things that make their way home from school for "mom". And in the end, that's how this post wound up on Magpie Monday. This will be a post that may never be shared with her, I am not sure.
No matter how much I want to be validated, I don't consciously want to invalidate anyone else when I can help it.
Perspectives. Sometimes it's just not that easy.
3 comments:
Thank you for validating my feelings. Perhaps I shouldn't be expecting it; honestly I know I am fortunate because I have a son, but in many ways my family still feels very incomplete and with this holiday looming I feel more awkward than when I did not have a child. I feel like I am in grade school again on the first day back from Christmas holiday and everyone is showing off their new clothes or toys. There will be no gifts for me on Mother's Day. Maybe a kiss from my son, and maybe I need to tell remind myself that it is far more than I ever used to get.
So thank you.
I think part of this is something only you can control. While there will always be someone who is unsupportive or just doesn't "get it" you CAN control who you allow into your life based on how their values mesh with yours. I don't think you're ever supposed to get over or forget Sophia and someday you can tell your second daughter all about that experience. I have an uncle who lives across the country. I admire him, always have. He wasn't around due to locale but he always acknowledged me with cards, calls, gifts. I sent him photos of Em the other day via email and in return received a photo of a bison he was proud to announce was born. I mean, WTF? The people who chose not to acknowledge Sophia's presence as well as her loss were not worth your time to begin with, hence well....... You need to have those chats with yourself in the mirror and first convince yourself. Once you do, the rest will follow; or they won't and that will be your call.
Hugs!
I "get" what you mean about being validated as a real mom. I feel that way about the fostering and even now with the adoption. You will be able to tell Magpie about her big sister Sophia and the meaning, love and loss that she helped make you the mom that you are today! :)
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