Magpie Monday -Creepy Crawly Colds

As long as I remember it's Magpie Monday I'll continue to do a post where somewhere in there is a message, a thought, a moment, that if I could I would have wanted to share with her.

This Monday started on Friday, bear with me. I got sick as a dog, okay, sicker than a dog. In a matter of hours I went from fine to temperature over 105, confused, muscle and joint aches. After my temp reached 105, and it was only a few hours since I was 'normal', I realized I may not be able to bring the temp down though I had tried with medicine already.

So off to the hospital I went, with a neighbor. You know how local hospitals can be right? yeah. Unfortunately.

They blew it off. Even blew off the nausea, fever, joint pain, neck pain and the worst migraine I've ever had. AFter I left I saw animals crossing the road as my friend drove me home that were non-existent. yeah, that's sort of a sign.

(wondering where thoughts of Magpie come in?)

2.5 hours later I was home, in a daze, temperature through the roof practically and the migraine such that I'd have been happy to put my head through the wall. I slept on and off through the night. Saturday was a total blur and Sunday fever lowered but my throat was terribly sore as were my joints and neck. I walked down to the dock but even that exhausted me.

Like a trooper, I went into work today.

There are very few people who know the adoption journey took a terrible, deeply sad turn. I chose China cause I thought I wouldn't face that type of loss of dreams again.

So today, I chatted over the phone with one of the salesmen and he mentioned I sounded awful. We traded some "I feel crappy" stories and in the end he said:

jeez, it's not like you picked up some creepy crawly cold from daycare, you aren't even taking her to daycare yet. Imagine the stuff she'll bring home!

Best thing about that moment? There were 2 actually.

I was on the phone, would have cried if in person. Everything is just below the surface still.

and

For just a moment I thought about how nice, really, it would have been to have her bring home not only artwork but also a cold. I would gladly take any cold if she could just walk into my life this summer.

Just for a moment I could remember what it was like to look forward to the things some parents take for granted, to say the least.

I do not know where this will all end, I do not know if I'll pick up the pieces and start all over again. Financially, many doors will be closed, emotionally? If China was no longer the place I couldn't face this kind of loss again, where would be?

And you can only set yourself up so many times for this kind of loss. It's easy for me to think of the logical steps that may come months from now, but it's a different matter when you weigh the loss of a few pieces of your heart already.