Another shade of grey

Hate to do it, to post one sort of grey/deep post after the previous one, but here goes.

You know that moment in life, we all have them, where you can see things in slow motion but you, the one who started the motion, cannot stop it from moving forward. The moments in life where you realize you just really screwed up and maybe, just maybe you won't be able to fix it.

Recently I had one of those moments with someone very important to me, let's call the person Buddy.

Buddy did something incredibly thoughtful and special, you can easily say it was a moment/an event to treasure, for life. And in return, by questioning the motive, the depth, the message behind it, and whatever else I truly was an inconsiderate ass about, I invalidated everything Buddy had done. And there I was, watching that slow motion video, of someone else, yet it was in fact me. Horrified. Guilty. Disappointed. Watching that slow motion take place and realizing I just totally f'd up, maybe in a permenant way, maybe not.

That's the thing about these slow motion screw ups, the truly important, impactful ones happen rarely, but they happen. And no matter what my intent was, it does not and will not ever matter. What and how I did it was wrong. Period. As I thought back about this last night, I thought I don't remember a time in my life when I felt this disappointed in myself. And yeah, I've got some significant moments to select from.

It was then I realized the gravity of the disappointment in myself, and also realized I may never understand/feel what's it's like to be in Buddy's shoes, likewise I may never get the chance to make things right and that last thought is what will resonate with me for a long time. But I'm sure it's nothing compared to the resonating that Buddy got the opportunity to experience.

Here's to all the Buddy's in our life, all the major complete and total  F ups we've had with them and here's to finding a way to regrow connections.