The 19th this year marked 5 years since Sophia died.
5 years? Really?
I no longer count the years to figure out how old she would be, what she would be doing, how big she would be, etc. I simply counted this year as a way to mark time.
Like I normally do I took the day off, never knowing how or when things might hit and wanting to have some peace and solitude. I had to deal with some unfortunate disappointment along with the importance of the day but I managed to do 'ok'. I won't say great. I started with energy, dog to the vets for an appointment, shopping, errands... and within 3 hours I was toast.
Bitterness circled around like buzzards in the desert and I headed home. The birds were hungry and salivating... for good reason.
The rest of the day I did laundry, cleaned, just tried to stay busy. By early evening stress took it's toll during a call with mi amor. Yeah, he got a bit of the brunt but I tried to ease it with saying his reaction was pretty normal, at least if you were on the outside of me looking in. He stayed quiet during the day, not talking about it much though being in touch often, trying to keep me cheery, and when I talked about how hard this was on me though everyone does it to me, he mentioned what everyone has mentioned... he didn't want to upset me or make it harder.
What is it about human instinct that when something really really bad is being experienced we all ignore the elephant in the room? Really, I wonder, seriously. Being on the inside looking out I just don't get it. We honor those buried in the ground, sometimes yearly, but do we honor the ones they left behind and their loss?
We finished the call with a heart to heart, as I wondered out loud, how long till it no longer hurts this bad? How long? he said the nicest thing, with the the softest voice, "someday". The word doesn't seem like much, but the tone and the way it sounded hopeful was reassuring.
Ahhh, my good buddy hope.
6 comments:
Thinking of you; a pretty amazing woman. Hang in there.
Thinking of you. And yes, hopefully, someday.
And also...... mi amor? :)
I have never lost a child and hope I don't have to experience that pain for a long, long time... but I lost my father when in was 9 yrs old (in 1978) and I do recall no one was allowed to mention his name to me for a while. The only pain I know is my dad (and Grandparents), the pain will always be there but as time goes on, it dulls and you recall those wonderful memories... from time to time you have a cry... I cried the day I got Shauna knowing that my dad will never see his Grand daughter (or any of his grand kids) be sad when you want to... don't hold it back... sending a ton of hugs...
That sounds like a very difficult day to get through and I'm sorry that you have to live with such a terrible loss.
Thank goodness for Hope. Sometimes its in your pocket and sometimes lurking in the wings. Sending hugs to you, Lisa! xo
Hugs, friend. Just hugs.
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