December 6th

Today's agency update let me know they were able to confirm what we'd heard 2 weeks ago.

My file made it through review (God please let this be the last time, in a good way) back in October and my appeal was in fact granted by the CCAA. I'll wait for a separate post on what it takes to get an appeal through... and yes, to the very strong, but few, naysayers... you can get an appeal without a decision having proof in writing. China was not built on black and white, but on bonds and ties, respect and thoughtfulness and in some ways, patience.

And the latest news... my referral will be in 1 of the next 3 batches coming out... could be this week, could be in February. Holy shit batman. Holy shit.

When I first heard my appeal was granted a few weeks ago I never lost it. There weren't tears, that's not a bad thing though. There was this strange comfort, like a piece of a puzzle fitting in when it just didn't look like it would.

And so life is sort of changing in lots of ways. Lots of surprising ways. I do not know where it's all going to wind up, I have no idea how life will unfold, I can only hope some of the beautiful things will continue.

Over the last few weeks I've become wrapped up in embracing this process, in enjoying it. In allowing myself the luxury of taking it all in and believing it was going to happen. The nursery thoughts in my mind are coming together like this vision, I think it's going to be beautiful and peaceful. Simpler, but better. And I'm looking forward to decorating it, painting it, picking out things and sharing it with the ones who mean the very most to me.

Today however I did let some tears come. I passed along to the teams I work with my "within 60 days" news and talk went right to "tell me what you need". Queue the tears. Yup, they finally came.

You see "tell me what you need" is loaded. I gave away more baby gear after the divorce than you'd need to raise twins from birth to age 3 and what I had left was the crib frame (no mattress), some books, a rocking chair and the dry sink that was special made as a chaning table/dresser. Oh, and some artwork along with 3 outfits I couldn't pass on.

It was hard for me to grasp how much I need. And I thought of all the times I'm going to face this alone, of all the things I'm going to need, some of which I will be able to provide, and many of which I won't.

I'll find my way through cause holy shit batman it's coming true after all this time?

And so December 6th comes to a close.