Melting Down -1/11/11

The process right now is strange for me.

I participate in very few of the 'typical' bringing an adopted child into your life. I'm not gaga over lists and prep stuff online. I'm taking my time with the care package and learning about her background. The nursery, well, it's possible it will be finished while I'm in China.

As I've mentioned before I'm focusing on the basics, like for instance asking friends/neighbors to fill the freezer with single sized meals of all sorts and one has volunteered to do the grocery shopping to fill the fridge before I arrive home. These are the things that will help me get back on track.

But this does not prevent the meltdowns.

I have them, trust me.

In the still of the night, as the quiet edge of a skating rink watching children that could be her,..., I can quickl have a meltdown. I have no clue how to change diapers. I have no idea what to do with a suppository if I have to use it in China. I have no clue what kids eat and how much and when to introduce solids and how to prevent digestion 'issues'.

When these things happen it's because of one thing and one thing only.

I will be going to China alone.

And there will be no travel group as my agency is too small in China to have anyone close in timing to me.

Me. Clueless me. Alone.

A guide sometimes but that's it. I am scared, I am worried, I am terrified at times. What if I get sick? Seriously, I've been so ill at times in 2010 that this alone freaks me out. How the hell am I going to haul the baby, diaper bag, another carry on, at least one large/medium suitcase, through the airport and customs. What if she has multiple blow outs on the plane, screams the whole time and I am 'that parent'.

Oh man this all scares me and I try not to think about it at all. So far he is the only one I've been talking to about it. And when I really let him know recently how hard a time I was having over travelling alone he said some things to me:

• It will work out, diapers are easy and "they have these things you know called wipes". LOL
• Make sure to peel the tab covers off the diaper and strap them on tight. LOL
• Feed her when she's hungry.

I told him I would be calling him often, to be prepared, he's done so much of raising a child (his niece) from a young age, he's got this touch I envy. As I continue to cry and worry he said one more thing that nearly caused me to lose it, in a good way:

• God put her in really good hands Lisa, I know you'll do well and you're going to be a wonderful mom.

I still cry when I think about his touching words. I hope I live up to what everyone thinks, because she deserves all the love in the world.