What's in a name

Her first (given) name will become her middle name and I'm in the midst of selecting what will become her first name. The old list, the one that lingered on for years as I waited, seems to no longer have life. I hashed, rehashed, but not of it rang true to me.

The neighbor kids have helped, one night creating lists of names... that night they only got to G or H, it was a very long list. However, they selected early on one that was in my mind, Alexandra. Other front runners are Pilar or Jade. My hesitation with Jade is it's likely got a bit of a stereotype to it, but it's still lovely. And Pilar (P - lar) could sound more like Piller if people mis pronounce it. But who knows. I'm leaning towards Alexandra.

In the meantime, He and I were at the skating rink watching his nieces as they took lessons and the quantity of asian children, little ones, out on the ice really struck me. And then it happened.

I looked up, the instructor who I noticed earlier was asian came close enough to the edge for me to see her name. Alexandra.

Can I just say the moment was incredibly overwhelming. He had already seen it and was smiling when he noticed I finally saw it, we both shared a very close moment as tears welled up in my eyes. Lately that's a daily event.

All of it so overwhelming, so scary and so beautiful all at once. More on the scary part in another post.

For now I"ve given myself the luxury of taking it all in, of doing it the right way... not holding back. My ride on the wait told me one thing clearly, that all those years of 'sort of' protecting my heart and refusing to hope and have joy towards the future coming true only resulted in me missing out on joy.

A lot of joy.

And so as I look back while embracing the future I realize one thing. The risks we take and the fears we have may not result in all we hoped for, but while you're going through the moment if you refuse to dream... you look back and realize if you missed out on what you wanted in the end, you also missed out on all the joy along the way.

Worst case you celebrate life as it happens and things don't go as planned. Best case you enjoyed the ride and your dreams came true. It's a win-win.