I’ve been the last few days, I’ve been stewing over something that’s gotten under my skin and thought I should stew, for as long as it takes, rather than just vent.
2 things since our daughter died just get under my skin in an awful way.
1. people who say, as though it actually sounds like an acceptable excuse (maybe in THEIR minds), we’re too busy to (… be there for you, call you, support you, share life and death with you… blah blah blah)
2. people who are insensitive with their words.
On item #2, this is the one that got me early this week. I agree to go to lunch at work which I rarely do, but this group of friends doesn't catch up much so I decide to join them! I am terrified though as one mentions she has some ‘news’ to share, when a woman says that, it means “I’m pregnant”. I go anyway, supposedly, “I’m a rock” and “I’m strong”, I've heard it often...
I DIGRESS.............
I've learned to detest the "I'm strong" phrase, it tends to be added into item #1 above. Perhaps people use “PERCEIVED” strength as a means to explain why they think someone doesn't need help… after all, how many times do we run to help the “weak” vs. those we write off as being “strong”. People rationalize "strength" on the surface = they’ll “make it through” no matter what…, being labelled as such can be a curse at times...
Let me take this moment of digression to let everyone know… BEING STRONG, OR BEING PERCEIVED AS STRONG DOES NOT MEAN THAT SOEMONE DOESN’T ACTUALLY NEED YOUR SUPPORT THE SAME AS THE WEAKER PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WE NEED YOUR LOVE, SUPPORT AND NEAR CONSTANT ENCOURAGEMENT JUST AS MUCH AS.
Ok, I’ve said my peace on part of item #1, the lame ass excuse about “not having time” is just a bunch of crap anyway… if we don’t have time for those in need, then we don’t have time for when they’re not in need either… sends an unfortunately clear message that one may not have intended to send.
BACK TO THE STORY......
So I'm sitting there at lunch, I make it through the whole lunch without the topic of babies… which I'm grateful for. Some days I’m so happy to hear about other peoples joy and others I can’t handle it. It also depends on the person who the conversation is about. Those I’m closest to, I live vicariously through their babies and love hearing stories, seeing pictures and experiencing joy through them. A friend of mine had her daughter recently, I sent her a 100% heartfelt congratulations, were there tears in my eyes as I wrote the card, yup, but would I ever forsake my friends due to my own losses, no way possible. But when baby stories are about strangers (or told in an insensitive way), it’s like someone takes a knife to your heart. This was the case as lunch wound down. This one woman kept talking over and over about someone else, their new baby, and so on. It just wouldn’t stop. I didn’t say a word, never visibly got upset and just sat there.
Afterwards, one friend came to me, asked me if I was ok, she was stunned when the other woman went on and on about this person's baby in front of me... up until my friend said that, I thought maybe I was over reacting, after all, these are difficult times. But, as I am reminded, my head is squarely on my shoulders and NO, I am not out of my mind. I am so grateful for people like her, they recognize the simplest of items when others are so out of touch. She mentioned that I didn’t look upset at all and was amazed by it she said I handled myself so well! She said she couldn’t imagine what E and I have been through, couldn’t imagine the pain, couldn’t understand how we’ve picked up and moved on. And so I shared the secret with her…
We haven’t moved on, we haven’t gotten through it all, we haven’t overcome the pain. It’s there, we just recognized that most everyone else around us, HAS (attempted to) moved on. Most people, you see it in their "eyes", their lack of communication (phone, email or in person) about it all, their avoidance, most people, they honestly don’t want to hear, see or experience what we’ve been through… (there's an obvious world of difference between those who want to listen actively and those who avoid it) “it’s too painful for them” as we've been told. I have one friend who changes the subject when I try to talk about it, as if Sophia were a nonevent. No doubt it’s painful for others, but not close to the pain that is our world… so they feel uncomfortable, awkward, in pain…, well, welcome to life, welcome to our world, welcome to reality, that is in fact the way it is sometimes, get beyond it and HELP us or anyone like us that you know in any way possible. Understanding how it’s hard on “others” is great and all, but it doesn't help us get through it.
So, understanding others perspectives, we know it’s best to leave it under the surface when we’re with MOST people and not say a word, not talk, not cry, not get upset, this makes everyone else comfortable and avoids us asking for support over and over in the ways we need it and then being denied it.
So was I upset? hell yes
Was I wishing I could crawl into a whole and disappear? you bet
Did I wish that person would shut the hell up, show some sensitivity? 100%
Did it hurt my feelings hearing this person go on and on about this stranger? no doubt.
So that’s how I feel about:
people who forget to think before they speak
people who use your strength as an excuse
and
people who actually think they are “too busy” to be there…
I say, file all that crap in the circular file or stick it in a shredder because it’s worth nothing to people when you truly face a life altering loss. This has been unfortunately a lesson in life that's opened our eyes to pain and what it really takes to get through it. We are wiser because of it, but for a long time, we'll be less of who we were because of it.
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