One of our "own"

One of the unique things about adopting a child rather than giving birth to a child is how your perspective CAN change if you allow it to, you can be educated about things you never planned on.

Many of us in the adoption community, until adoption comes into our lives, went about the business of life, just like everyone else. We dealt with mainstream issues, you know, life, death, discrimination, but we dealt with them from the perspective of biologically defined families. Don't get me wrong, there is not one thing wrong with being only a biologically defined family, however, I would argue that it is the adversity of life, the challenges of life, that help give you a different, maybe/maybe not more objective, internally questioning perspective. It all comes down to what you allow yourself to learn as life challenges you.

Take for instance the phrase "a child of my own" or "a child of your own". Until you enter the adoption community, through your experiences or through someone else's experiences, you might never give that phrase a second thought. But inside the adoption community... it's another story.

Wiktionary:
1. to have rightful possession of; I own this car.
2. to acknowledge responsibility for; I own this problem.

Websters:
1. That which belongs to me, noun; I wanted a child of my own.
2. To have or possess a property, verb; he owns a cow.

Word Reference.com:
1. adjective; belonging to or on behalf of a specified person.

Synonyms:
Have, hold, possess, retain, keep, acknowledge,

Doesn't seem so bad... (other than the idea of 'owning' someone's life... a little troubling) except that you show me an adoptive person and I'll show you someone who's heard and quite possibly been offended by, the comment "it's too bad you can't have kids of your own", or "don't you want a child of your own?".

Ouch huh?Anyone cringing out there for the first time?

If you are an adoptive parent (currently or waiting to be) perhaps it's not the first time, for everyone else... maybe this is your first time with a different perspective. I"m not saying one is right or wrong, but I do believe that the essence of using the word "own" to describe a child in that manner might be of concern.

To an adoptive parent though, the thought that a child you bring into your family, your heart, your inner circle, to love from now until death parts you, is of a second class because they aren't biologically "yours" is offensive. Offensive to the parents and quite possiblly one day to the child as they hear that phrase. "Don't you want a child of your own" or "too bad you (or they) can't have a child of your (or their) own" implies an adopted child is less of a family member.

This simply is not true. We are not arguing that pregnancy and adoption are the same... trust me, I've been smacked in the face so many times from the insiders perspective on that, but rather that the children you CHOOSE to bring into your life are of the same importance. It does not matter if they come to your through giving birth or adopting, once they become one with a family, they are your own.

The idea that other people in our life might utter those words and not realize (or worse yet, realize it) the impact or meaning behind them was something we struggled with during many a fireside chat as we made the decision, as we made the choice, to bring a child to our family, through adoption. This decision meant meant the same as when we made the decision to try to give birth to a child, it meant a lifetime commitment to our child, to love them all the days of our life.

This child will be our own and we cannot imagine it any other way.

(this post has been in draft for many a month, I just don't think I did it justice, but it's been on my mind and I needed to release it, likely a few months from now I'll return to this topic again)