Put the Baton Down and Step away

I wasn’t sure I’d ever do a post on the topic Pain Olympics, one I’ve seen on other people’s blogs over the last year. But here I am doing one.

Sometimes when it’s “that time of the month”, no not that one, the Other One (referral time) people in the Adoption community get, well, they get pretty damn nasty to each other. It’s a phenomena that truly brings out the absolute worst in people and it can suck others into it like a black hole.

When referrals come out, or are just about to come out, the claws, daggers, spears, well they all come out too. And anyone who is not getting their referral is subject to the possibility that they might just succumb to the emotional carnage that can occur. It starts with innocent enough venting of frustration, especially those on the cusp of a referral and likely to miss by a few days or even a week, it then steamrolls from the frustration of those who technically should have gotten their referral but didn't, skipped over for reasons that would come clear in the days to follow. And then the nastiness hits the height of all unreasonableness when someone pulls a trump card and says their pain is greater than all others pain, and that no one, but no one, could possibly understand.

What?

BS.

First and foremost, those who get skipped, or fall on the cusp, I say let them rant, let them rave, and let’s make damn sure we support them. Not with all that “God has a plan for you”, “Hang in there”, “you’ll forget all this pain when the wait is over” crap. No, let’s support them with some action, “if you need to vent, call me”, “I’m so sorry, can I do anything”, “hey, Ben and Jerry’s on me” or perhaps even “It’s happy hour somewhere, I’m buying”. On the ALT board, our response to a very crappy referral period was to plan a get together, that's one way to make it better.

Secondly, everyone has the potential to understand things, sure, in some cases it may take extreme imagination, in others, one just has to conjure up a memory from your past that dragged you kicking and screaming into the abyss of pain, of emotion so raw you thought surely it was a nightmare, or perhaps just a plain and simple loss that is so common as we ALL move through life. It is NOT that hard to find compassion, to find sympathy, sure, empathy is harder to come by, I agree. But to think no one could possibly understand your pain? You just closed the door to any support you might have gotten and you are also foolish.

When we lost Sophia, a LOT of people understood, and I can tell you not ONE PERSON, until I met 2 women online named Sarah and Jen had a carried a child into the third trimester only to have it die on Thursday and deliver it Friday, but as for compassion and sympathy, those that chose to did a great job, amazing huh? Compassion without having lived our pain? Folks, it is possible.

Lastly, even a crappy as hell referral period, which this one looks to be shaping into with likely only TWO DAYS of LID’s (rumor) is NO REASON to attempt a game of “Pain Olympics”.

You know, Pain Olympics, my pain is worse than your pain … there is no good to come from it. You had a miscarriage, the next person had 2. You had 5 miscarriages, the next person had 11, you tried to conceive for 5 years, hey, that lady tried for 12. Your fallopian tubes went to shit before you ever tried to conceive, and so on and so on. Then there’s the crappy one of “hey, you have a kid, shut up what are you complaining about?”. Nice.

Sure, do I envy those already having a child but waiting for their second, yeah, but does that mean they can’t offer me support or someone else support? Does that mean they haven’t been there done that? Oh yeah, they only waited 12 months, JUST 12 months. Couldn’t possibly be that perhaps in their lifetime they might have beat the pants off of you in the 100 meter dash in the Pain Olympics and that yes, perhaps, they have suffered more than you even though they either a.) already have a child or b.) didn’t wait as long as you? For those of us Logged in during early 2006, we likely have 24 months, does that mean those who only took 18 months can’t understand our pain? What about those logged in just now, surely us 24 month wait-ers couldn’t possibly understand their pain if waits get longer.

Enough with the pain Olympics.

Waiting is hard. Life is hard. This wasn’t what any of us thought it would be when we signed on. Those days are over and you can’t even see them in the horizon. Do I like the fact we likely have 12 more months to go? NO. Sure, some months are harder than others, sometimes it gets us down thinking about it, but the pain Olympics is no way to provide each other support, put the relay baton down and hand it off to someone outside the adoption community.

When you do that, your hand is then free to offer your fellow adopter all the support they need, regardless of the different path they took to get there.