It's a new day

I've always been the kind of person to dive deep into thought about many different things that cross my path, from people to places to things. My experience with the adoption world is no different.

I've often wondered what it might have been like, in the online community, to experience a much shorter wait, perhaps 6 months or at most 12 months.

It's so strange, to think back when I first joined my monthly group. Many of us realized the wait would not be the 6-8 months it had stabilized at over the last few years of Chinese adoption before us. But not many of us would have ever dreamed of 24-28 months waiting. So I try to think about those early days and imagine then what it might have been like in a much shorter wait period.

For instance, when I first joined the online DTC group, we were hurrying (in the April DTC group at least) to pick a name, get merchandise online, to set up Secret Pal swaps, quilt swaps, gather info... the list goes on. It was an out right blizzard of activity. We had to move that fast, a few months to vote on names, set things up and then get moving with activities, even charity items. The swaps were set up to go through late 2006, YES, 2006, as the coming couple months were expected to contain referrals.

Imagine if that were true. It wasn't, it isn't. We extended the Secret Pal swap 2 more times... it now goes out through the fall of 2007, sadly, it's realistic to extend 2 more times I'm sure.

Back when waits were 6 months, things were whizzing by, rushing, excitement never abounded I'm sure, just when you got to know people, swap things, BAM, your referral came, a never ending high of activity and emotion. There was never a sloooooowwwww down in activity (at least like we've seen now), things stayed positive, rumors mattered much less. Likely people focused on the basics... crap, I need to get moving, I've got shit to do. AFterall, 6 months is much less time than a traditional pregnancy, you really have to get your act in gear.

The upside? Less time to bitch and moan. Less time to get stressed out in a sad way (sure, there was stress though). Less time to see, start, experience, take part in, etc, the carnage of an online group disintegrating into a pile of massive crap. I've seen 2 groups do this. One I thought was just important to be an active member of to stay in the know and the other I dearly enjoyed, it fulfilled so much of the down time, the empty time of the wait, it made me laugh and cry. I met some fantastic people there. Alas, the wait does NOT always bring out the best in people.

Many have far too much time on their hands. The online groups foster, at times, sheer unbelievable 'moments' that I've rarely witnessed in my life outside of the time I was in kindergarten. Now, we have 2-3 years in these groups that unite and divide us, they can create an us/them attitude, they can foster resentment, incredible cliques, at times it's worse than HS and kindergarten combined! It's not all bad, but the carnage I've seen is indescribable and not worthy quite frankly of the blog. Perhaps the longer wait causes us to see things in groups that we might have ignored if it were only something for a few months, perhaps now that the wait is longer many of us want something deeper, more meaningful, more lasting, where we feel like we matter. Many of us look for something deeper than the cliques of high school, where you were with the "in" crowd, or you were... "out". If you are like that, the longer wait may leave you less satisfied with options online.

The groups of yesteryear... I akin them to a summer romance in high school, perhaps your first real love, fun, incredibly romantic, the love you thought would last a lifetime, perhaps for some it did, for most, it was never more than a summer love. You let the 'little' annoying things slide on by 'unnoticed', cause, well, September was just around the corner and who wants to spoil the summer.

That was then (perhaps?), ...this is now.

The groups of today... I akin them to your first romance out of college... you know, where you realize how tough a long term relationship can be, where you learn to really compromise, where you learn life isn't always fair or right, where you realize perhaps that summer love and all that nostalgic stuff just might be a pipe dream, or at least it's there, it's just not enough alone to sustain something long term. You realize that "I'm sorry" or "a kiss" isn't going to solve the big stuff, the meaty stuff, the real stuff, the essence of life. You learn that sometimes the simplest of perceptions can give way to incredibly hurt feelings. You realize that to get something good, something lasting, well, you have to give... a lot. You have to let your guard down, risk losing, you have to do something more than 'lurk', you have to sometimes step out of the shadows and say what for you is only obvious.

Sure, that adult love/post college can be a beautiful thing, but it takes hard work, open mindedness, a willingness to give more than take, a willingness to expand your horizon, it takes in essence a commitment.

I'm not saying friendships, groups, experiences of before were bad. I'm just saying that I imagine the relationships created now are different, the groups of today are different. They should be. One was set up to make it through a whirlwind, the other, through an ice age, and sometimes, the ice age isn't going to be kind and nurturing, when that happens it may just pull the rug out from under you or someone you care about and it's important to acknowledge that.

What I've learned... these online groups are likely evolving, fast, leaving some in their wake, others are taken along for the ride. Those that don't evolve, don't reflect, don't inspire greatness... well... we all know what happened in the ice age, it wasn't pretty. I can only hope I don't see more carnage over the coming year from some of the few places I can seek refuge.

(I wrote this last week, nearly didn't post today due to a series of events in an online group I'm in, screw it, it's my blog and I'm posting in the order I wrote the most recent drafts)