when the clam shells move and the ball is gone

Yeah, there's that old line about Plan A turning into Plan B and how you regroup and move forward, making the best out of it right?

Well what do you do when Plan A, turns to Plan B while waiting for A, then you move into Plan C, which automatically abolishes Plan B and A (at least you think so) and Plan A morphes into Plan D but along comes Plan E, which doesn't have to change Plan A but might and then, low and behold, the fucking universe comes up with Plan F which wipes out Plan A/Plan D at once? Oh, and Plan E is taken care of all on its own?

Are you still playing along at home? Would you like to know the secret code? Okay, here goes, at least the first installment. Just remember, everybody has a dream, and the dreams don't go away just because the plan is now fucked up and impossible. We'll start with Plan A and Plan B only for now and dabble around Plan C.

Plan B while Plan A waits in the wings.

We all know Eric and I had applied to adopt from China back in 2006. Well in late 2007/early 2008 we made the decision and completed the paperwork for an interim adoption from Taiwan (it took a year to convince Eric, sign #1 I ignored). I hinted about it way back when, here, and yes, one particular commenter figured it out. At that time it was fairly private news.

In going through the prep work, the paperwork, the whole shebang, come on, you all know the drill, well, it wore Eric out. Considering I did all the Fing paperwork this always rubbed me raw that he was worn out by it. But I do understand and that matters. He always hated the process, the inspection of your life, the certification that you would love a child, the background checks, the fingerprinting... in particular the fingerprinting always pissed him the hell off. I remember the last time we went in:

"If my fingerprints expire I'm not fucking doing this again"

Or something like that and no, he was not kidding. It was a heartwarming moment for all and one of the many clarity endorsing points of our marriage that highlighted our different approach and desire to have a family.

For me, I saw it in the same vein that I might see a pap smear or a check up or bloodwork or an ultrasound, it's all part of the process and you get out of it what you put into it. You get the joy you ask to get, you get the joy you look for. No more, no less. For Eric it was likely similar to a root canal, he wasn't focused on the joy.

This post isn't to trash him. We just had different thoughts about a family and the length to which we might go to get one.

So there you have it. The process to sign up for Taiwan occurred, we were on our way. Within 2 months we had 2 referals, both we turned down due to some minor SN's outside of our core list, but it was clear it wouldn't take long. What was also clear was that somewhere along the way I fell out of love with Eric. Now I know, that love is for life. And in a lot of ways I still love him, but the way you SHOULD love someone to get married and stay married for a good 50 to 60 years, just wasn't there anymore.

The process for Taiwan really highlighted how much had changed from the day we first started (blindly) trying to have a family and even from the time we got in line for China. We were worn down from all we'd been through, all the children we'd lost, the moving, job changes, surgeries, all the family tension (and for the last time in this blog, fuck his parents for all they did wrong to him, forget about me, what they did to him is unforgivable in my eyes).

My viewpoint is that we survived all of those things, but we never thrived through them. I had always looked on "surviving" as a badge of honor. Don't kid yourself. Surviving allows you to breath and move through life and function. It does not allow you to move forward. Surviving trauma is not enough. And that my friends would make all the difference. Just after Taiwan's paperwork was cooking I realized things were through. I realized when I wrote the following posts that our time had come:

Pull up a comfy chair
Connections in Life
Serendipity
Let Love be YOur Compass
The Brass Ring

And I realized that I would have to be the one to ahve the strength to move on. I would have to take the lead and I needed to do it as much for Eric's sake as I needed to do it for mine. When you really love someone, you care as much for their wellbeing as for your own. My willingness to take the next step is an ironic show of how deeply I cared for Eric's happiness. And I still do.

Many MANY people gave me a rash of shit about deciding to get divorced. I heard "gosh, do you really want to do that, you can't adopt" REALLY? I hadn't FUCKING THOUGHT ABOUT THAT NIGHT AFTER NIGHT as I lay awake for weeks. I heard "can't you just turn the other cheek with his parents?" WTF. I won't go into details about the rotten things they did to us, to me and to their own flesh adn blood Eric, but it's enough to say this:

It takes an incredibly strong person, to realize that she is the only one who can bring 2 people peace, and that in the process of doing it, she has to give up the one thing she's wanted for longer than she can remember wanting anything in her life.

Too many people weren't automatically supportive. Too many people underestimated the pain I was taking on in the hope of giving Eric and I the peace we deserved. Too many people added to my weight instead of lifting me up. I can't forget that time and I can't forget the impact that resonates today on some relationships.

So one day I came home, after seeing the lawyer, and letting Eric know I'd decided to file for a divorce. He was sad, we both were, but beyond that there was an emptiness, a hollowness to what once was inside both of our hearts and souls. There really wasn't much reaction from either of us. We agreed to work through things together, and we did, probably the best and most peaceful (if you can call it that) collaboration we'd ever undertaken. Sad but true.

He's a good man, a good person. I wish him the very best and hope there's a girl out there for him that fills up his heart and soul and fits the needs of his parents and family. I never was that person and I never would be, one of the greatest failures of my life. I knew it early on but thought I could 'fix it'. You can't fix that kind of thing. Don't try.

The irony? hang onto your hats.

The day I filed for divorce, as I was going through the boxes in the attic full of baby things and indulging in a good cry, the Taiwan adoption agency called. They had a child, a two year old.

For those following along at home:

Plan A originally, have kids by having sex. Outlandish idea and overrated.
Plan A reincarnated, have kids by having science 'help a girl out'. Overrated.
Plan A for this post, adopt from China
Plan B, do an interim adoption from Taiwan for the child you thought would be #2 but became #1.
Plan C, get a divorce and end Plan A and B all at once. Followed by the heartbreak of your life.

More to come when I can handle another deep post. For now maybe some lighter posts will follow or just silence.